Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
