Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
