Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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