She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
