he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
