I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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