if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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