Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
