the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
