Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
