Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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