i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
