im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
