She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
