were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize