I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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