I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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