Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
