I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
