I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
