Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
