when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you didnt know i had herpes?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
