textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
being pregnant is like rehab
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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