this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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