just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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