My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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