Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
