That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
