What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
