I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
