so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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