it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Less talking, more tequila
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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