didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
