Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize