I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
