if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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