I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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