He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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