Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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