took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize