I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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