you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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