You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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