I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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