I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
