everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
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