The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize