She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
