saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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