I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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