last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
