Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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