literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
