my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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