I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
