if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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