Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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