Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
