On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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