we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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