I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
