she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
