I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
