mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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