update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
